


Wishing Life Away

by hauntedbyangels



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bisexual Lance, Fluff, Gay Keith, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I cried while writing this, Lance and Keith are roommates, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Panic Attacks, Sad with a Happy Ending, Strangers to Lovers, Vomit, anxious keith, my poor children have so much pain, non-binary Pidge, slight PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-12 06:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9059839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hauntedbyangels/pseuds/hauntedbyangels
Summary: Keith and Lance are roommates at Altea university, while Lance wishes he was rooming with anyone but the moody mullet-head, Keith could care less who he rooms with because he would probably avoid them anyway. As they begin to try to understand each other, they realize there is far more to the other, whom they had written off so easily.A story of love, pain, and life, that took way too long to write.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This took me forever to write omfg (*´ο`*)
> 
> Also, just a quick reminder to read the tags because there are mentions of suicide/attempted suicide, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. So if you're squeamish about that you might not want to read it. 
> 
> Past that, I hope you enjoy~

As far as Keith Kogane was concerned, there were three fundamental truths in his little corner of the universe at Altea University.

  1. Lance McClain was a fucking meme that he had been forced to live in a dorm with at a shitty campus that was going to ruin his life.
  2. Keith couldn’t help but find Lance incredibly attractive, therefore, he was completely and utterly fucked--mostly because he knew that he would likely never try to start a conversation with his roommate.
  3. The world wasn’t fair, if anything, it was cruel and unpredictable.



What made those three truths go together wouldn’t come to him until it was too late. If anything, the year couldn’t go by quicker until he moved out of the dorms into his own apartment. He fucking hated education, it wasn’t that he was against learning, he just didn’t like being taught. Keith preferred to read textbooks and take notes on his own rather than listen to a lecture or be commanded to do some shitty-ass project that he would discard after it was graded.

In short, Keith had an authority complex, or at least that’s what Lance told him on almost a daily basis, every time Keith would complain about writing a paper or finishing a physics project. Something that Keith did enjoy was creativity and the freedom that came with putting a pen to paper and pouring out words or drawings onto the blankness of paper. He felt that with every long lecture and set of problems he was given to figure out, his creativity was dying, and it was the only thing he wanted to protect in his life.

What also made matters entirely worse and almost unbearable, was the growing sense of anxiety every day. He didn’t like talking to anyone besides Shiro and Pidge (talking to Lance was always an effort because he usually got nothing but snark and sarcasm from the other boy). Keith didn’t like feeling this way, but he became increasingly antisocial (not that he had ever been outgoing or social in the first place) as the year went on.

Those who he actually enjoyed being with learned that the place to find him was in an isolated corner in the library which he had discovered after the first month of the semester. In order to avoid painful conversations with Lance (the meme that would never just _let him be_ ) Keith spent most of his free time holed up in the library, he was surrounded by books and his table was right by a window, so it was the perfect place for him to comfortably spend time on his assignments, writing, and occasionally art.

Keith wouldn’t consider himself much of a rebel, rather he had a bubble of beliefs that he knew wouldn’t change for the life of him. He believed in individualism and freedom, he did what he wanted, and even if he cared what others thought, he ignored it in order to stay sane.

So that was his life, balancing classes he hated (for the most part), a hardly existent social life, and the anxiety that came with trying to be himself. If he gave into others and tried to change himself, he knew the parts of him that he loved would fade out and he would forge a mask of someone who tried to fit in.

To him, that would be the equivalent of committing emotional suicide, he would kill part of himself and would never recover.

Yet, sometimes when he saw the groups of people milling around, the _cliques_ of people who knew where they belonged, sometimes he longed for that. He longed for someone to talk to over coffee about something that was more than sports or assignments, he wanted someone he could talk to about something _real._

He wanted to talk about life, the universe, death, he wanted to talk about the meaning to existence, and so far, he had yet to find the right conversation partner.

Sure, he had Shiro and Pidge, but they were busy most of the time and their interests varied from his own, and it wasn’t that he wasn’t smart enough to keep up with them, but sometimes he just wanted to have simpler conversations, conversations that were boring to them by now.

In short, his two closest friends belonged somewhere while he did not, and it wasn’t like him to actively seek out somewhere to belong. He had never belonged, that’s why he had been juggled around between families and had never been taken in.

Keith liked to pretend that he was fine with the fact that he hadn’t had a family since his parents died, but it hadn’t been easy, and he would be lying if he said that it didn’t hurt like hell. After so long, he had been brought into Shiro’s family, so Shiro was practically an older brother to him. He had been informed that with Shiro, he would always have a home, and that was the most anyone had done for him throughout those years of never belonging to anyone.

Keith took a deep breath. He was in the library again today, having finished classes and not wanting to go back to his dorm room. Lance was always in there after Keith’s classes on Tuesday’s, and it was usually with his friend Hunk, studying physics or something. There were days when Lance would be out of the room and Keith would have it to himself for a few hours, but for the most part, he tended to avoid the dorm save for sleeping. He had no other reason to go back to the dorm during the day anyway.

Keith had his laptop open and a few different books scattered across his small table that was hidden within the depths of the large library. Even if there were people in the library, he seldom saw anyone this deep within the shelves.

It wasn’t until Pidge came skating in, a certain bounce in their step and a devilish look on their face, that Keith began to feel slightly worried at what events could possibly go wrong in the day. They made their way down the aisle and plopped into the seat across from Keith with a grunt, taking in the open textbook and half-finished physics problems.

“How’s the assignment coming along?” Pidge asked, knowing exactly how it was going based on the abandoned notebook and screwed up problems that Keith hadn’t bothered to try and work out after he had become frustrated.

“No comment,” Keith replied, punching another few words into his essay, all while resisting a yawn. Pidge narrowed their eyes, looking out the large window at the colorful trees that stood by in the cool autumn air.

“Pack your shit up, you anti-social blob of hair,” Pidge started. “We’re going to a study session together.”

“Excuse me?” Keith asked, reaching to brush his fingers through his hair self-consciously. He didn’t have _that_ much hair, did he?

“Physics study session with people from our class,” Pidge said shortly, snapping Keith’s textbook shut for him. “Just to go over the material from class today, a lot of people are struggling with it.”  
“Oh,” Keith said apathetically. “Well that’s their problem, I’m not going to some lame study session with people I don’t know.”

Pidge groaned. “It’s with my friends, pack up, you’re coming with, plus, it doesn’t look like _you_ have the material figured out either.”

“Yeah? Well, I prefer to struggle with it alone, so thanks for the invite, but I’m going to have to decline.” Keith said, pulling his textbook back across the table and pulling his headphones up, ignoring Pidge’s squawk of annoyance.

“Why are you always like this?” Pidge whined, leaning over and unplugging his headphones before he could start playing music. Keith rolled his eyes, looking out the window to avoid their angry pout. They knew exactly why he was like this, and he didn’t feel inclined to explain.

“C’mon, Keith,” Pidge said. “Give it a chance, you don’t have to do _everything_ alone, and in my opinion, you are in _dire_ need of some new friends.”

“Shut up, you’re like twelve.”

“I am _seventeen_.”

“Which reminds me, why are you here again?” Keith asked with a smile, knowing very well that Pidge had managed to be admitted to the same college as him after graduating high school early because the little fucker was simply that smart.

“You know damn well why I’m here, also I’m smarter than all of you, so you should join this study session _if only_ to watch me wreck everyone with my brain.” Pidge smiled evilly.

Keith shrugged. He didn’t need to watch Pidge troll a bunch of idiots to know that they were deadly smart. They had personally built him a computer from scraps in high school amongst many other achievements. Pidge was frowning again when Keith looked over, about to reinstate his early objection to coming along to a study session that he would never attend otherwise.

“Keeeithhh!” They whined, and Keith took a deep, calming breath.

“Oh my god, fine, but only this once.” Keith bit out. Pidge smiled in victory, standing up and grabbing Keith. With a groan, Keith shook them off, packing up his things, already regretting his decision. “Where are we doing this?”

“The cafe on campus,” Pidge said.

“Fine, you owe me coffee for this.”

Their mouth fell open. “No way!”

Keith cracked a small smile. “I could still back out--”

“Fine, fine, but just so you know, you are _not_ worth a whole cup of coffee.”

“Thanks, bud,”

~

Little did Keith know, he was getting himself into something far bigger and for more frustrating than a simple study session. For how much he wanted to avoid his roommate and pretty much anyone who wasn’t Shiro or Pidge, he had agreed to the study session, just this once, that’s what he told himself, it was a one time thing.

He had no idea what a simple study session with Pidge’s friends could lead to. Keith was hardly prepared for where it would lead him.

Coincidentally, neither was the second half of the situation.

As much as Keith appreciated a cup of coffee and a bit of caffeine after a long day of classes, the coffee at the campus cafe was far from his preferred brew. Then again, Keith didn’t drink anything with high amounts of flavored syrup or sugar in it, unlike _some_ people who were just asking for an early death or cavities. He couldn’t decide which was worse.

So instead of dealing with the taste of slightly burnt beans in black coffee that would scald his taste-buds, Keith ordered tea, which Pidge opted out of paying for since Keith had said that they owed him _coffee,_ not some ‘shitty-ass tea’ as they so eloquently put it.

Rolling his eyes in exasperation, Keith ended up paying for both his drink and Pidge’s, even if he was the one who had agreed to come to the study session, which he was sure would drain his will to live ever further. Somehow he would have to get even with his friend. Keith would have to find something to drag Pidge along to that they would absolutely _hate_.

While they waited he started to google local Poetry Slams, that would certainly get under their skin. With a semi-evil smile, Keith bookmarked a few pages for future reference. Sure, Pidge had gone through the shitty poetry emo phase alongside him, but they would absolutely lose it if Keith brought them to a poetry reading.

It didn’t take long before Pidge was standing up, waving at someone to come over to their table. Keith took a deep breath, slipping his headphones off of his ears, letting them rest on his shoulders (sure, it looked douchey, but he didn’t feel like putting them away until he knew that he would have no further use for them). He was a bit nervous when Pidge smiled widely at something that one of them said, he had to remember that they were all friends, and Keith was an outsider.

Keith turned his head to look at the two people who had just walked in and his heart sank.

One of them was Lance, his roommate, the ever-growing-memelord, and the other was his friend that had been in their dorm countless times for studying, Hunk was his name, Keith was pretty sure at least. How he hadn’t known that Pidge was friends with them, _buddies_ with them, Keith wasn’t sure. They were all in the same Physics class, but Keith sat near the front, listened to the lectures, and kept his head down until he could leave.

He shot Pidge a look, they had to know that Lance was Keith’s roommate, and the little shit-eating smirk on their face told him as much.

 _So this is why they were so insistent_. Keith thought, huffing in frustration, even if a small part of him whispered that this could be a good thing. Maybe they would all get along, maybe Lance wouldn’t target him for no reason--

“Why is _he_ here?” Lance asked, emphasizing his displeasure at finding Keith sitting with Pidge at the table. Keith tensed up, clenching his fingers into fists angrily. He swore that if this kept up he’d punch Lance’s pretty face until he was unrecognizable.

“Lance,” Hunk warned, seeing the flare of anger as Keith sank further into the booth. It took a moment of light conversation and ordering drinks before Hunk and Lance slid into the booth across from Keith and Pidge. As Lance eyed him, Keith typed into an open document, trying to focus on the words rather than the other boy’s insufferable looks.

“ _So,”_ Lance started loudly, Keith’s eyes flicked up from his paper for a moment as he took Lance in, trying to keep his features as neutral as possible.

The horribly, _horribly_ sad part about Lance was how attractive he actually was. Keith had been dead set on hating him after he had made so many offhand comments in Keith’s direction in the span of the first few weeks of the semester, yet it was difficult to hate someone who was just _so_ appealing to look at with his tan skin, chocolate brown hair, and spatter of freckles.

Keith swallowed slowly, gripping his drink to keep his hands from trembling.

“Why are you here?” Lance asked. Keith tried to pretend the other boy’s question was out of genuine curiosity rather than defense and annoyance.

“Pidge invited me,” Keith responded, trying not to sound too annoyed. Lance frowned at Pidge and then had a silent conversation through eye contact with Hunk. Keith was pretty much on the verge of just standing up and leaving after that.

Pidge took the initiative to begin explaining further. “Keith’s really good at physics, even if I’ve never seen him finish an assignment, and I thought another person looking in could help us advance even further,”

Lance rolled his eyes, shooting Keith and ungrateful glare. “So, basically to make _me_ feel even more stupid, you’ve brought along another fucking genius to our study session? _Thanks, buddy.”_

Keith tried not to focus on the bite in Lance’s tone, instead, he pulled out his book and the problems, looking over his work. “Actually…” He swallowed his nervousness. “I don’t really understand these problems either, so…” Keith looked away, hoping it was enough to make peace. Lance was smart, he knew that after seeing the boy keep up with Hunk and Pidge, but sometimes being friend’s with them could make anyone feel dumb.

Lance simply frowned. “Wait, really?”

Keith nodded with a little shrug. “I’d normally just look it up and struggle with it alone, but since they invited me… I don’t know, I guess I thought this could be helpful.”

“Oh, well, in that case, we should probably start going over these, I guess.” Lance said, a bit shocked and flustered with Keith’s sudden admittance to being unable to figure some of the problems out. In his defense, Keith hadn’t really _tried_ to understand the problems, but he figured it was okay for Lance’s sake.

So, the study session started, it went relatively well, Keith caught on much quicker than Lance (which he tried not to show because Lance was becoming increasingly more agitated as Hunk or Pidge had to re-explain concepts to him). For the most part, Keith did what he had always done, he didn’t try to participate, simply listened and then put his head down, trying to do the work. After about an hour, Keith was most of the way through the assignment, the problems working out surprisingly well for him once he understood the concepts more thoroughly.

When Keith had gotten to the last problem, Lance groaned from across the table, slamming his head down on the book, making Keith wince and pull back.

“Um, are you okay?” Keith asked carefully. Lance waved his hand in dismissal, not even bothering to look up.

“Just leave me to my misery,” He said dramatically. Keith frowned, looking over at Pidge and Hunk who shook their heads in exasperation.

“What part don’t you understand?” Keith tried, trying his hardest not to sound cool or mocking, rather he was genuinely concerned, and maybe he could help?

Maybe.

Lance shook his head. “I don’t need _your_ help, mullet-head.”

“Fine.” Keith snapped, his tone finally cracking. He snapped his laptop shut, picking up his textbook and notebook. “Thanks for the help,” He muttered before standing, turning away from the little booth and beginning to walk.

 _I don’t need_ your _help._

Fine, let him struggle then, Keith could care less about Lance and his stupid issues with physics or whatever else. He didn’t care.

Then why did he feel so angry?

Why did he feel so hurt?

He didn’t even know the kid that well, he lived with him, but he had never bothered to try and get to know him since Lance had seemed unwilling to have anything to do with him.

Keith bit down _hard_ on his lip as he walked.

He hated the other boy.

~

“Lance, what the _hell?”_ Pidge snapped after Keith had stormed off. “He was just trying to help!”

Lance rolled his eyes, fiddling with his pen as he laid across his textbook. “I doubt it, he was looking for some way to make fun of me,”

“What?” Pidge asked, completely blown away by Lance’s idiocy in that moment.

“That guy hates me! He’s never in the dorm, he never even _tried_ to get to know me, and every time I say anything to him he doesn’t even try not to sound annoyed.” Lance complained. “He probably thinks I’m an idiot now too.”

Pidge sighed, looking over their shoulder the way Keith had gone. “Lance, that guy is _way_ too insecure to really hate anyone, he’s seriously just shy and you probably intimidate him.”

“ _I_ intimidate _him?_ Pidge! Have you seen the guy? He literally always looks ready to beat someone up, I don’t think I scare him.”

“Have you even _tried_ to talk to him?”

“Yes!” Lance snapped, then his face dropped. “I mean, kinda… I think I insulted him the first day, and he’s been kinda distant ever since.”

“Oh my god, what did you even manage to say?”

“I think I said that he looked like a _My Chemical Romance_ reject,” Lance muttered miserably.

Pidge stiffened. “ _My Chemical Romance_ is a very touchy subject, Lance.”

“For who, you or him?”

“That is beside the point, the point is you fucked up,” Pidge said.

Lance gaped. “By saying that he looked emo, basically?”

“No, by pretty much insinuating that you didn’t like how he looked or therefore acted, which is probably why he doesn’t try to talk to you, because he doesn’t think you would get along very well.”

“All because of a _My Chemical Romance_ joke?”

“That shit had power over the used-to-be emos, Lance.” Hunk said, his tone too serious to be a joke. Pidge nodded in total agreement.

Lance flopped onto the table, hitting his head repeatedly against his textbook. “I cannot fucking believe this.”

~

Keith made it back to the dorm late that evening, Lance was nowhere to be seen, which he supposed was good, because Keith wasn’t sure how much more of the other boy he could take before he snapped. When he got back, he set up his laptop, plugging it in to charge before he grabbed a change of clothes and went to shower.

By the time he was done, sweatpants on and loose t-shirt sticking to him, it was almost eight, it had grown dark outside long before, and the only reason he had come back so early was because he had begun to grow cold outside while he was walking around alone to try and calm himself down from the infuriating study session.

He sat down in front of his computer and finished typing his essay, one more thing off of his plate, and since he had finished the physics assignment at the cafe he had taken out most of his work from the day.

With a wistful sigh, Keith leaned back, not sure how to fill his time. He felt oddly empty and unmotivated to work on anything that was important to him. He chewed on his lip, turning on some quiet music, not quite paying attention to what was playing.

About half an hour later, the door opened, and Lance slipped in, looking a bit guilty and nervous. Keith hardly looked up from what he was working on. He was writing again, but it wasn’t for school, it was personal writing, just for himself, and if he ever finished, he might let someone else share it with him.

“Hey,” Lance said, his voice strained. Keith stopped typing for a moment, looking over briefly as a form of acknowledgement. Lance sat down at his desk, which was connected to Keith’s, awkwardly.

“Hi?” Keith responded, feeling the awkward cloud that Lance managed to bring with him. Usually it wasn’t like this when either of them would come back to the dorm, usually, they would just go on silently ignoring each other until they both went to bed.

“Um,” Lance started, running a hand through his hair. “Sorry,”

Keith pursed his lips. “For what?” Lance frowned at that, leaning back while awkwardly rocking his chair back and forth.

“For being an asshole I guess,”

“Which time are we talking about?”

Lance gasped. “ _Rude._ ”

“Hey, you’re the one apologizing, I just need to know for which time before I accept this apology.” Keith responded, his tone cool and knowing.

“Can I just apologize overall and call it good?”

“Sure,” Keith said, hiding his amusement behind a semi-serious nod.

Lance was looking at him with a suspicious frown when he looked back. “Why don’t you like me?” Lance asked finally. Keith looked over at him, an eyebrow raised, he was about to say something sarcastic but paused, seeing the small bitter frown on Lance’s face.

“Wh-what do you mean?” Keith managed to get out, a small stutter in his voice. He cursed the uncertainty that flooded him as Lance pouted. He was dead-set on hating Lance, but he just… couldn’t, not when the other boy looked at him like that.

“I mean, you never tried to be my friend, and you’re never in the dorm when I am, and hell, we have classes together and you’ve never even bothered to _look_ at me. Why? Do you just hate me or something?” Lance asked.

Keith shook his head. “No, no, you’ve got it wrong, I don’t hate you, I swear.”

“Then why do you avoid me?”

Keith shrugged. “I didn’t think you’d even want to talk to me,”

“Dude, we’re _roommates_ , I expected to talk to you, like a lot, a lot more than this at least.”

“Oh,” Was all Keith could say. “Sorry, I guess I just didn’t really know how to start a conversation? I don’t know you,”

“Then we should get to know each other!” Lance said, there was light in his eyes. Keith swallowed nervously, but set his headphones and turned toward Lance.

“Uh, okay?”

“How do you feel about twenty-one questions?”

“It’s a game lonely fuckboi’s play.”

“Ouch,” Lance winced. “You feel that strongly about it, huh?”

Keith shrugged. “Why?”

“We should play,”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Keith sighed, rubbing his eyes with a yawn. “Okay… I guess, let’s do it.”

“Cool!” Lance said, then frowned. “Wait, I haven’t come up with any questions…”

‘It can’t be that hard, can it?” Keith said, opening a new tab and scrolling with boredom. Lance sat, rocking back and forth on his chair for a moment before perking up, likely coming up with a question he found suitable.

“What’s your favorite color?” Lance said, looking like he had found the best goddamn question in the world.

“Seriously?”

“This is important information, yes.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “Red, but like crimson red.”

“Nice, mine is blue, like a darker, grayish blue,” Lance said, the way he talked with his hands with his eyes alight was something the Keith knew he could definitely grow used to, he already decidedly liked it a lot.

“Sounds nice,” Keith said, meeting Lance’s blue eyes. “Wait, now _I_ need a question… shit…”

Lance rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I thought you would be ready for this, god Keith, do I have to do everything in this relationship.” Keith shot him a cold look, Lance cackled evilly, he was honestly just as bad as Pidge.

“What’s your family like?” Keith finally asked, regretting it almost as soon as it slipped out, knowing he’d likely have to answer the same question.

Well, Lance said that he wanted to get to know him after all. Keith swallowed nervously as Lance lit up completely, a smile on his face.

“Oh, my family is awesome! I mean, there are a lot of us, and we all have our own problems and troubles, but we all love each other and that’s what really counts in my opinion. I have two older siblings and three younger. The younger ones are six, eight, and twelve, and my older siblings are twenty and twenty-three. Then there’s my mama, she’s incredibly wise and strong and she loves all of us so much. ” Lance took a breath, it was almost like he could see his family in front of him. Keith watched, his chest tightening considerably, he would never know what it was like to grow up with a close and loving family. Then, Lance paused for a moment, his eyes dropping to the ground. “My dad left when I was fifteen, but we try not to think about his decision.” And just like that, Lance was back to beaming proudly about his family as he went on.

Keith remembered his parents, sure, but they were both deadly smart, and they were always distant, and then they were gone.

“What about you?” Lance finally asked, looking over. Keith had to look away, squeezing fists so tightly that his fingernails dug painfully into his palms.

“It's not really important…” Keith said, averting his eyes to their small window. Lance squawked in protest.

“What do you mean? I just told you about my family!”

Keith took a deep, calming breath. “I don't… Shiro is the closest thing I have to family,”

“Wait, what?”

“My parents died when I was eight.”

Lance paused, looking at Keith with a horribly recognizable pity in his eyes. Keith looked away.

“Oh…” Lance struggled to get out, “dude, I'm so sorry.”

Keith simply shrugged. He didn’t bother trying to reply, it wasn’t as if there was anything he could say. It was one of those moments that he had no control over, and as he had found, the world was cruel and unpredictable. Keith waited for Lance to stop asking questions and distance himself, or to be overly sympathetic and make everything even more awkward than it already felt.

“How did it happen?” Lance finally asked, as if he couldn’t find anything else to say but still didn’t want Keith to pull away, he was still trying.

“Car accident, they were bringing me over to a friend’s house after school and… well, I’m sure you can guess the rest.”

Lance nodded slowly, his eyes distant. “And you made it out just fine?”

“I still have a few scars, but I made it out alive.” Keith fiddled with a pen that had been sitting on the desk, avoiding looking over at Lance. He didn’t really want to know what the other boy thought. “I think it’s your turn to ask a question?” Keith sounded tired, but he honestly was fine with continuing their game, as long as the subject changed.  
“Oh, right…” Lance leaned back, pursing his lips. “Ummm… Oh! What’s your favorite band?”

Keith shook his head, laughing a bit. “Honestly, I couldn’t choose.”

“So, not like  _My Chemical Romance_ or something?”

Keith paused, looking over at him with narrowed eyes. “We don’t talk about _My Chemical Romance._ ”

“Okay, okay!” Lance said, raising his hands defensively. “Touchy,”

“What’s your major?” Keith asked, moving on.

“Undeclared, though I’m thinking astronomy. You?”

“Also undeclared, I can’t decide between art and creative writing.”

“Dude, you write?” Lance asked, his eyes lighting up. “I do too!”

“Really?” Keith asked. “I wouldn’t have guessed that…”

“Yeah, I took a creative writing class in high school and loved it. Haven't stopped writing since.” He smiled fondly and Keith couldn't help but smile along shyly, god Lance’s smiles were contagious.

“So what do you write?” Keith asked he felt himself continually relaxing as the conversation progressed. Keith usually was not one for any sort of small talk, but he found himself engaged in the conversation nonetheless.

“Ugh, this is gonna sound really emo, but I really like writing poetry.” Lance laughed. “And I was definitely not one of the moody, angst-ridden kids.”

“Well, I was,” Keith pointed flatly, enjoying as Lance fumbled to take it back. “And so was your buddy Pidge, we were the _biggest_ emos ever.”

“You know, I guessed, with the shitty band t-shirts and bracelets they still wear.”

“We went to see some of those “shitty emo bands” in concert, thank you very much.”

“That is _so_ cringeworthy.”

“Well, what did you see? _Beyonce?”_

Lance mouthed dropped open. “Yes, because Beyoncé is a fucking _goddess.”_

“Oh my god.”

“What? How do you _not_ like Beyoncé?”

“I don't know actually,” Keith smirked. “Somehow I seem to be the only gay guy who _doesn't_ idolize her.”

As he realized what he said he froze _shit!_ Yet Lance hadn't even reacted.

“Dude, I’m the Bi-est bisexual person you will ever know, and _I_ idolize Beyoncé, how the fuck do you not?”

Keith shrugged, a bit taken aback by how easily they had just shared some of those things. High school had been hell when it came to coming out, and here, in the span of twenty minutes, he had already managed to come out to his roommate without a problem.

“You know, it's a stereotype that gay guys like Beyoncé, right?”

Lance shook his head. “Everyone likes Beyoncé, Keith, no stereotypes are needed.”

He couldn't help but roll his eyes, a small smile playing at his lips.

“You know, you're not actually that bad,” Lance said after a long moment of silence.

“Um, thanks?” Keith frowned. “I wasn't aware that I was being evaluated.”

“Life's cruel like that, Kogane, someone is _always_ watching, someone is _always judging_.” Lance bounced his eyebrows up and down at Keith for an acquired effect. Keith rolled his eyes, containing his laughter as best as he could. Lance warmly smiled in response.

“Did you figure out the physics assignment?” Keith asked after he felt certain that Lance wouldn't bite his head off for asking about something that had been a rather touchy subject a few hours ago.

“Ehhh kinda,” Lance shrugged.

“Do you want to go over it again?”

Lance pursed his lips into a frown. “I think I'll be fine.”

“Okay,” Keith said a bit tightly, trying not to sound too annoyed.

Silence spread out between them for awhile, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as it had been on previous occasions when they had been left in the dorm alone.

After another half an hour or so of spans of silent and occasionally making jokes, Lance muttered something about taking a shower and retreated to the bathroom for a horrendously long amount of time.

Keith was half-convinced that Lance had somehow managed to drown himself.

Not that he felt too inclined to check on the other boy, they had only just had a proper conversation after all.

Keith took a deep calming sigh, maybe things were finally starting to look up for him… he had finally talked things out with his ridiculous roommate--it was nice to know that Lance _didn't_ hate Keith, simply they had misunderstood each other's presence (or lack of presence, in Keith's case).

It was another while before Lance emerged from the bathroom, hair damp and tan skin practically sparkling. Keith couldn't help but snort to himself, that boy _really_ about he looked.

Which prompted Keith looking at his gray sweatpants and fraying red shirt with a cynical frown.

“Night,” Lance said eventually, it was a bit awkward and uncertain, but Keith couldn't help but smile about it later when he thought back to their conversation.

“Night.” Keith had responded easily.

He could get used to having another friend.

~

The day passed as slowly and casually as normal, Keith managing to barely keep up with the notes in between his daydreams and spaces of blankness when he zoned out of the horribly boring lectures.

He found out that Lance was in a few more of his classes than he had initially thought.

He watched Lance and Hunk find places together in the lecture hall for history and when he walked into his last class for the day, creative writing, he noticed Lance waving him over to sit about halfway back to the right next to a window, the blinds were drawn but the bit of sunlight that filtered through was nice.

Keith sat down in the empty seat next to Lance slowly, not quite sure of himself.

“Hey,” Lance said, setting his phone down and flashing Keith a wide smile.

“Hi,” Keith set his bag aside. “How's your day been?”

“Boring as fuck, if I'm being honest… but I'm hanging out with Hunk and Pidge this evening--it's movie night, huzzah!” Lance had that goofy smile on his face again, and it made Keith's heart stutter a bit.

“Sounds fun.”

“Would you want to come with?”

Keith gave Lance a sidelong glance. “Um… I mean, if it wouldn't bother you… sure.”

“Why would it bother me? We're buddies now, compadres,”

Keith looked up. “We are?”

Lance froze, looking a bit uncertain with himself all of the sudden. “Well… yeah, I mean after we talked last night and… is that cool with you?”

Keith nodded “Yeah, sorry, I just didn't know if you were trying to be polite by getting to know me, but friends is good.”

“Great!” And just like that, Lance was back to smiling with his usual beautiful, brightness. Keith sighed gently, looking away as he felt his face begin to heat up.

The rest of the class passed quickly like he was on a high from looking at the other boy, and shit, he had enjoyed the class before, but now he felt that it would likely become one of this favorites.

Once the class had ended, they walked back to their dorm room together before heading to Hunk’s room for the evening.

Keith took his usual place at his desk and opened his laptop, checking a few different platforms before going over what he had written the previous day. Lance threw himself on his bed, groaning loudly.

“Have you read the chapter for history yet?” Lance asked, propping himself up on his arm, looking across the small room at Keith.

“Only about half of it.”

Lance groaned again. “I’m never gonna finish that shit, it’s literally so boring, I can’t focus on it!”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll get it done,” Keith said, not sure what else he could possibly say. Lance nodded in agreement.

“Probably the night before.”

“Please don’t do it all the night before.”

Lance smirked. “You can’t stop me.”

“I will smother you if you keep me up all night because _you_ didn’t fucking get the work done--”

Lance responded by chucking a pillow across the room, hitting Keith’s shoulder and falling to the floor. Before Lance knew what had hit him, Keith whipped the nearest pillow at Lance’s face, and if it was any hint, Keith rarely missed.

“Oof!” Lance blinked a few times, dazed by the pillow that had just practically knocked him onto his back. There was a long moment of tense silence before Lance shook his head in disbelief, picking up the pillow. “You are _so_ on.”

To his credit, Lance lasted a good five minutes before Keith had him on the floor, sitting on top of him with a pillow between them. Lance struggled and clawed, trying to get up, yelling something about vengeance and how ‘this was not the last you will see of me!’ Keith couldn’t help but find the situation humorous.

Eventually, Lance stopped struggling, and just lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “Give up yet?” Keith asked.

“Yes.” Lance pouted in return. Keith laughed, helping Lance up as they both stood. Keith couldn’t help but notice how nice Lance’s hands were, and it was an effort to let him go once they were both on their feet.

“You’re ridiculous,” Keith said, rolling his eyes as Lance swaggered away, his lower lip still jutted out in a defeated pout.

“You only won because you’re like some freaky martial arts master,” Lance complained.

Keith laughed. “I haven’t been in martial arts since the beginning of high school.”

“What? No way, you fight super well,”

“Yeah, I have a tendency to end up in bad positions, I needed to learn how to fight,” Keith said a bit flatly, he didn’t blame Lance for not knowing, but he hadn’t exactly had an easy life. He remembered a particular time in high school when a group had ganged up on him, and he had only made it out alive because of his ability to fight. He shivered a bit, looking away before shoving a few things in his bag.

Lance gave him a peculiar look before doing similar, they were supposed to leave soon anyway. Keith let the conversation drop and flopped onto his bed while Lance got ready. It was just a hangout, so why did Lance take _forever_ to get changed and ready? Keith was content in showing up in sweatpants and a knit sweater. It was getting cold out, he had realized earlier that day, it was the middle of November after all. Keith looked out the window, maybe it would snow soon. That would be nice, he didn’t particularly enjoy the cold, but he found a certain beauty in snow.

When Lance _finally_ emerged from the bathroom, Keith sat up, bleary-eyed, thinking that maybe he had dozed off until the door hit the wall so loudly. “Let’s go!” Lance said loudly, while Keith yawned, rolling off of his bed to follow Lance out the door.

The walk was mostly silent, Keith was lost in his own mind. He hardly noticed Lance’s sidelong glances until he bumped Keith’s arm gently.

“You good?” He asked. Keith looked over with a shrug.

“Yeah. Just thinking I guess,” His voice felt distant and he knew his tone was flat again, uninterested in the world around him when there was so much turmoil within him.

Lance bumped him again, it was more comforting than Keith could have thought. It was strange to have him at his side when they had only really begun to talk the night before.

It wasn’t long before they were making their way into Hunk’s dorm room, greeted with hugs and the promises of snacks.

Pidge showed up not much later, looking tired as they pulled out their laptop and finished a paper that was due the next day. Keith greeted them and sat next to them, helping them edit the paper for awhile while Lance and Hunk played video games. Eventually, they all settled on the couch and nearby bed, plugging a movie into the tv and relaxing with popcorn and various food items.

After much argument (mostly between the three of them while Keith leaned back and checked his phone) they settled on watching Star Wars. It was easy enough to get work done while it was on since he had obviously seen it before. So Keith pulled out a notebook, scratching down ideas for the creative writing project that was coming up in his class. Their teacher had announced it a few weeks ago, a short story, which would likely be a breeze for Keith, but he wanted to be prepared.

Lance had leaned over at one point during to movie to see what he was doing and smiled. _Already preparing like a good boy?_ His look seemed to say.

 _You know it._ Keith shot back, raising his eyebrows, daring Lance to say something. He thankfully didn’t instead he averted his attention back to the movie, and Keith suddenly noticed just how close Lance had been a moment before and tried to resist the blush that was beginning to creep up his neck. He shivered, looking over to find Pidge’s eyes on him. They were looking between him and Lance with a smug smirk.

Keith glared, and their smirk evolved into a full shit-eating grin. God, he was in trouble, Pidge knew him too well and Lance was too close. He went back to his writing, trying to ignore what had so evidently just happened.

He couldn't be more ready to leave when the movie ended, except, he had to go back to the dorm _with_ Lance, who seemed to be causing him all sorts of problems lately.

It didn't help how incredibly attractive Lance was. Sure, the guy could be dense but he was beautiful enough to make up for it. Keith found it unfair that anyone could be so animated, alive, and entirely attractive…

“You're staring at him again,” Pidge informed softly as they got up to grab some chips. Keith's attention snapped back to them.

“No, I'm not,” He hissed back. Pidge tried to hide their ever growing smile.

“Let me guess, you were just lost in your head again?”

Keith nodded.

“And you totally _weren't_ imagining his _dreamy_ eyes.”

Keith pursed his lips.

Pidge smirked again. “Don't worry, buddy, your secrets safe with me.” With a very unconvincing wink, Pidge returned to their seat, bouncing their eyebrows up and down suggestively as they watched Keith and Lance like they were the real show in the room.

By the time Lance was yawning and the credits were rolling, Keith was about ready to beat Pidge’s ass for giving him that damn look the _whole_ time.

“So,” They started when Lance was out of earshot. “You two seem to be getting along rather well.” They stuck their tongue out playfully as Keith scowled.

“Shut up, Pidgeon, you’re delusional.” He retorted.

“Am I?” They smiled. “I’ve known you for a long time buddy, I can tell when you’ve got a crush--”

“Shh!”

“So you admit it?”

“Shut up.”

Pidge smiled. “There’s the Keith I know and love.”

Keith growled incoherently before picking up his bag and shoving his notebook in. “I’m heading out, Lance, you coming?”

Lance nodded, shoving a few more pringles into his mouth before grabbing his coat. “I’m ready,” He said through a mouthful, it was barely coherent enough for Keith to understand, but he nodded anyway, leaning against the couch while he waited.

Lance slung his jacket on and finished chewing, bidding farewell to Hunk and Pidge for the night.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Pidge started. “Nyma is having a party tomorrow night and said to invite you guys, I’m not going, but I decided to pass on the message anyway.”

“OH, cool!” Lance said with a smile. “Maybe I’ll make an appearance,” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Keith rolled his eyes, following Lance out once he was done giving Hunk another hug.

“Who’s Nyma?” Keith asked as they walked back through the cool night.

“Someone we met earlier this year, blonde, super hot, she hangs around that third year, Allura. Basically, a lot of people know those two and if they’re having a party, it’s going to be lit.” Lance smiled. “Hunk said he might go because Shay is going to be there, so I might as well accompany him, you think?”

“I mean, I guess.” Keith wrinkled his nose. “Have fun.”

“You’re invited too, Mullet,”

Keith shook his head. “I don’t really like parties.”

“Why?”

“Too many people, not enough room, and they just stress me out, I guess.” Keith shrugged. Lance nodded.

“That makes sense,”

They made it back to the dorm about 10:30 at night and Keith wouldn’t normally go to bed right away, but he was exhausted from the day and went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth before falling into bed, curling up under a blanket and squeezing his pillow tightly.

He heard Lance close the bathroom door, and he stopped listening after that, squeezing his eyes tight, trying to bring sleep as quickly as possible.

~

Keith awoke to sharp breaths and sweat. He couldn’t breathe, god, why couldn’t he catch his breath? Every time he tried to inhale it was too shallow, too quick, and god, it hurt.

What had he even been dreaming about? He couldn’t put it together in the darkness of the dorm room, nothing felt real in the early hours of the morning anyway.

He took another long breath, trying his hardest to fill his lungs, only hoping that Lance hadn’t woken up from the amount of noise he was making.

Keith rolled out of bed, careful not to make too much noise as he rushed to the bathroom, knees weak and body shaking.

God, why did this have to happen to him?

He locked the door, leaning against the sink to try and regain himself. It wasn’t long before his legs gave out and Keith sank to the floor, sobs hitching in his throat.

His lungs squeezing so tightly, and his heart ached.

 _Mommy?_ He heard a small voice in his head, one that was so obviously his own.

_Shh, honey, stay quiet, help is coming, it’s coming--_

Keith’s hands squeezed tightly against his ears as he tried to silence the voices. He didn’t need this, he couldn’t think about this right now.

They had told him it had been an _accident_. That’s what they had told him when he had woken up in the hospital, covered in scratches, and stitches in his head. He couldn’t remember anything that had happened in those past twenty hours, besides his mom promising that they were going to his friend’s house.

As an eight-year-old kid, he had believed it without question, it made enough sense to him that that was what he told himself, blocking out anything else that tried to make its way through.

So why did he continue to have dreams about moments he didn’t remember?

These nightmares had been plaguing him almost as often as the prospect of his parent’s deaths since that night, and he had never told anyone about them, nor had he tried to understand them.

_Mommy what’s happening? Where’s dad--_

_Honey, remember that whatever happens, we love you._

Keith curled further into himself. He didn’t want to try to make sense of these things because he knew there was a reason he didn’t understand, and maybe it was protecting him from something far worse. These memories--no, these _nightmares_ shouldn’t affect him in this way--they were not a reality for him.

Still, he felt his throat tightening and tears slip down his face.

He hated feeling this way.

Keith leaned against the sink, staring blankly at the wall as he tried to pull himself back to reality. He was vaguely aware of a soft knocking against the door, and a warm voice that Keith had grown to know so well.  
“Are you okay? Keith?” Lance asked. “You were tossing around and…C’mon buddy, answer me…”

Keith coughed into his arm, trying to find the will to talk. “I’m fine…” He said, voice rough and strained. “Sorry that I woke you up, just, go back to bed, I’m fine.”

“You don’t really sound fine.” Lance pointed out from the other side of the door. Keith rolled his eyes, trying not to be too exasperated by the other boy’s concern.

“Just leave me alone, I’m fine.” Keith bit out.

“Just tell me what’s wrong, I’m really worried.”

Keith paused, he wasn’t beyond yelling at the other boy to fuck off, but the concern in his voice was so… real. Keith felt it like a sharp stab to his gut, not only was he unable to take care of himself, he was hurting others around him and causing them worry.

“I… It was just a nightmare, okay?” Keith had trouble keeping the tremor out of his voice. He heard Lance slide down the door so he was on the same level as Keith on the other side. Keith scooted over to the door, leaning against it so he could hear.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Keith swallowed. “No…”

“What do you think caused it?”

He wasn’t going to answer, but then… well, Lance was worried already, and at least he knew that Keith’s parents were gone, so maybe he would understand… Maybe.

“Um, well, you know how we were talking a few nights ago, and we kind of brought up my parents? Well, I've been thinking about them a lot lately, and about how they… Nevermind, I’ve just been thinking about them a lot more than usual I think it just brought up a lot of memories I try not to think about.” Keith managed to say through gritted teeth.

“So it was about your parents?”

Keith fell silent.

“Was it about… that night?”

“Yeah.”

Keith heard Lance shift. “Dude, I’m so sorry… I-I get dreams like that sometimes, about… well about someone who was really important to me. When I think about her too much, I have nightmares about not being able to save her,”

Keith listened, his heart sinking as Lance talked. He was thankful that Lance understood and knew how to help but… Keith would never want someone else to feel the same pain he did, especially not someone like Lance, who just honestly tried his hardest to make everyone else happy.

“I’m sorry,” Keith whispered.

Lance cleared his throat. “Yeah, um, thanks… Do you want to open the door now? This is really awkward, talking through the door and all.”

Keith laughed softly, trying not to choke on tears as he did so. “Do you really want to see me crying?”

Lance was quiet for a moment. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m not doing much better out here.”

Keith stood, his legs were shaky, and he was shivering uncontrollably, but he managed to unlock the door after fumbling with it for a moment, and he opened the door. Lance was standing there with a lopsided smile, his eyes rimmed red and his hair a mess.

“Sorry,” Keith mumbled. Lance shrugged, stepping towards him a bit.

“Are you okay?”

“I think it’s been established that I’m not,”

“I’m going to hug you,”

Keith bit his lip. “Okay,”

Lance pulled Keith close, his arms wrapping tightly around him as they stood in the dim room, the only light was coming from the bathroom. It took a moment for Keith to relax in Lance’s arms, slipping his own around Lance’s middle and resting his forehead gently against the other boy’s shoulder.

He didn’t know how long they stood there, holding each other in the early hours of the morning, but eventually, Lance tugged Keith with him, back into the room where they parted finally, Keith missed the warmth almost instantly as Lance pulled away.

“How do you feel?” He asked, and god, his voice was so warm, so full of genuine concern. Keith just stared at him for a long moment, counting as many freckles on Lance’s cheeks as he could in the dark of the room.

“Tired.” Keith murmured. Lance nodded, stepping forward to give him another quick hug again.

“Go to sleep,” He whispered.

“I don’t want to,”

“Why?”

Keith shook his head. “What if it get’s worse?”

“I’m here if it does, you can always come to me, Keith.” Lance said, gently cupping Keith’s cheek, and making sure that the other boy met his eyes before he continued. “That’s what friends are for buddy, we’re there for each other, and spontaneous cuddling when the other one is down.”

Keith couldn’t help but smile a little bit. “You’re version of friendship seems nice.”

“Good thing you’re my friend, right?”

Keith finally laughed again, making Lance light up as he did so. “Right, it’s a good thing, great actually.”

Lance grinned, stunningly stark against the gentle dimness of the room.

Keith felt like his heart might never recover from such a smile.

~

Neither of the boy’s really ended up sleeping much more that night, instead, they talked lowly for another hour and then when they parted ways to sleep, Keith was too awake to do much more than doze off into an uneasy state, waking up every time his mind slipped too deep into unconsciousness.

He heard his alarm go off at its usual time and struggled to pull himself up. It was Friday, and Lance had fallen asleep again, sleeping soundly.

 _Good._ Keith mused as he got up, He was glad that Lance had managed to fall asleep again, he hated that he had woken his roommate up because of his own personal problems. Even if Lance was incredibly accepting and kind, Keith didn’t want to pull him in too deep, he didn’t want to pin his problems on the other boy and cause him to bleed alongside Keith.

He would never forgive himself if he hurt Lance in that way, even if the other boy had been as ass to him at first, it was only because Keith had already unintentionally hurt him. He still thought about that, worrying that Lance would bring it up and use it against him. Keith knew that he seemed to cause pain wherever he went, and he was trying his hardest not to hurt the other boy.

It was difficult not to simply shut him out when he had spent his entire life feeling alone and facing his pain behind a locked door, the war with himself raged on in the places that most did not bother to look, and Keith knew exactly what his final move would be to end it.

He stood, stretching with a muffled groan before he headed to the bathroom to take a shower before his day started.

Keith didn’t quite know _why_ he had signed up for a 9:00 A.M class on a _Friday_ but he had to live with it now, and seeing that it was an art class, it was usually a rather relaxing way to begin his day. So Keith forced himself into the hot water to wake himself up and rinse off before getting dressed. As he grabbed his bag and reached the door, Keith glanced over his shoulder at Lance, who was still sleeping peacefully.

“Thank you,” He whispered, then he left, facing the day with as much strength as he could muster.

~

The day ended as easily as it had begun, nothing too significant or damaging happening, instead Keith felt rather relaxed as he made his way back to the dorm, set on taking a nap when he got back.

Before Keith headed back to the dorm, he went for a walk, feeling the crisp chill of the air against his skin as he walked. He was vaguely aware that it was November, he didn’t bother to keep track of the months, just what he had to get done each day until they told him he was free to enjoy a break.

He let himself breathe deeply as he walked, clearing his cloudy mind, the cool air refreshing him from his restless night. He tried not to question the memories that swirled through him when he thought back to his nightmares, and he knew that there was a reason those dreams kept chasing him, that there was something hidden within them, but Keith didn’t want to know what.

Still, a small voice inside of him pushed and pulled at those memories, begging him to look deeper.

_What if it hadn’t been an accident, what if the car had been flipped on purpose? By someone--_

Keith bit his lip so hard that he tasted blood in his mouth, he wasn’t about to question this, not when he could go back to the dorm, sleep a bit, and then _maybe_ go with Lance to that party. Maybe. Only if Lance asked him to go with, otherwise he wasn’t going to bother with it.

Keith walked back to the dorms, taking his time, letting himself breathe and clear his mind. Lance wasn’t there when he made it back, so Keith flopped onto his bed with a long sigh and curled up, closing his eyes.

He was vaguely aware of the door being thrown open a while later and Lance swearing quietly as he tried to make up for the door slamming against the wall.

“Shit, sorry,” He whispered, and Keith yawned, rolling over to looking blearily at the other boy who was dumping his bag on his part of the desk, pulling out various textbooks and notes before plopping onto his bed to begin reading over them again. Keith closed his eyes for another few minutes before sitting up, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

“Hey,” He said, looking over at Lance. Lance hummed in response, still focused on his notes. Keith stretched, trying to ward off the tiredness that weighed him down as he reached for his phone, opening it to look through a blog page he followed before deciding to pull his history textbook over and continue to take notes on the chapter that they had recently been assigned.

The room was silent for a good hour, only disturbed by the rustle of paper and occasional grunts of annoyance. Lance eventually tossed his books to the side, standing and stretching with a long yawn. “So,” He started. “You coming with me tonight?”

Keith looked up briefly from his notes, trying not to notice the sliver of skin that showed over Lance’s waistband and he stretched. “Uh, to that party?”

“Yep,”

Keith chewed on his lip for a moment, wondering if he really wanted to spend his Friday night at a crammed frat house with people drinking and rubbing up against each other. He took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’ll come.”

“Sweet, then get your ass up mullet boy, we have to get ready.”

“Really? What, do you need to pretty up for this?” Keith asked with a smirk. Lance stuck his tongue out.

“Yes, and so do you, c’mon, you have to have _something_ nicer to wear.”

Keith rolled his eyes, standing up and walking over to his small closet. He supposed he had a nicer (not torn) pair of black skinny jeans he could wear, along with a black jacket over his dark red shirt. With a contemplative sigh, he stripped out of his sweatshirt and pulled the red top on while Lance was busy getting changed in the bathroom.

Knowing Lance, it took his twice as long to get out of the bathroom as it did for Keith to both get dressed and brush through his hair, deciding to pull it back for the night, rather than try to stuff it into a hat.

When Lance finally made it out of the bathroom he stopped, looking at Keith for a long moment, a small smile playing on his lips as Keith took in his gray-blue shirt and jeans. They both looked pretty good.

“You pretty up well, my mullet-headed friend,” Lance said.

“I would say the same, but I don’t see a difference.” Keith deadpanned. Lance squawked in protest as Keith shrugged, slipping into the bathroom just to make sure his hair looked fine. After a moment, he nodded, content with how he looked, he also dug out the black, fingerless gloves that he usually wore and slipped them on.

Lance was waiting, his shoulders hunched when Keith slipped back into the room. “You look like you should own a motorcycle or something.”

“Well, I do, so I guess it fits,” Keith replied stoically. Lance gaped.

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s pretty awesome,” Lance grinned. “I knew you were a badass biker dude under the sweatpants and crappy sweatshirts.”

“Excuse you, I happen to like feeling comfortable.”

“Tell that to the six pairs of joggers you own.”

Keith shot a look over at the other boy. “Shut up, you’re just jealous.”

“No, I’m just thankful to finally see you in jeans, they make your legs look _fabulous_.”

Keith didn’t know how to respond to that, instead, he grabbed his phone, slipping it into his pocket as his face heated up. _Keep your cool, goddammit!_

“You ready?” Keith asked finally, looking over to find Lance already staring at him from his bed, a light pink in his cheeks.

“Of course, I was born ready,”

“Is that why it takes you approximately three years to use the bathroom every day.”

“That doesn’t even work Keith,”

“And yet, here you stand.”

Lance rolled his eyes in exasperation, heading for the door. “C’mon jerk,”

Keith smiled, following Lance out easily, trying not to let his nervousness overtake him as they left the dorms and began to walk. Lance talked about his day as they went, Keith listened, watching Lance with a sidelong glance. The other boy talked with his hands, Keith liked how expressive he was in conversations, both through his facial expression and his actions.

It was a decent walk to the house where the get-together was being held, and somehow, Lance managed to make it feel short with his lively conversation.

Keith stay close to Lance as they reached the location and made their way in. Lance spotted Hunk almost immediately and pulled Keith behind him to make their way over to the other boy. “Good to see you,” Lance said with a big smile, slapping Hunk’s shoulder playfully.

“For sure!” Hunk responded with a fist bump, he also noticed Keith and waved. “Hey, Keith.”

“Hi,” Keith replied weakly, looking around at all the people he _definitely_ didn’t know. Lance and Hunk seemed to be well associated with a lot of the people, which made it a bit easier on Keith in the long-run.

Lance introduced him to people as they made their way in, and for the most part, it seemed like a friendly, calm crowd. Keith had this, he wasn’t going to let the tightness in his chest overtake him, he wouldn’t have a nervous breakdown--

“Shiro?” Keith asked, spotting his friend amongst the crowd, chatting up a rather pretty girl with long, flowing silver hair and tan skin. Shit, only someone as beautiful as Shiro could manage to talk to a woman like that, Keith might have been gay as all hell, but he certainly knew an attractive woman when he saw one.

“Keith!” Shiro said with a smile, waving him over. “This is Allura,” Oh, so _that_ was who Lance had been talking about the other day, Lance had said that practically no one had a chance with her, and Keith could _definitely_ see that now.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Keith.” He said as evenly as he could, raising his eyebrows at Shiro.

“Keith? As in ‘practically a brother to you’ Keith?” Allura asked with a bright smile directed towards Shiro, Keith noticed the British accent that coated her words. Shiro was in so deep, she was gorgeous _and_ British.

“The one and only,” He replied, and Keith felt himself smirk.

“Yeah, that’s me, so I have _all_ the embarrassing stories about Shiro if you ever need some good ammo,” Keith said with a wink at his brother, who stopped dead, giving him the nastiest glare that Keith had received in a long time.

Allura smirked devilishly. “Is that so?”

“Oh yeah,”

“Okayyy, let’s change the subject,” Shiro said quickly. “So Keith, I wasn’t expecting to ever see you at a party again, who’d you come with?”

Keith shrugged. “My roommate convinced me to come with,” He turned, pointing Lance out, who was standing with Hunk chatting. They were both grinning like idiots, Lance had probably said something stupid.

“Lance?” Allura asked. “He’s your roommate.”  
“Yeah,”

Shiro nodded. “He seems like a nice guy,”

“He is, most of the time at least.”

Shiro and Allura looked at each other for a moment, then back to Keith. “So you’re making friends?” Shiro asked.

“Yes, stop acting like such a dad, Shiro.” Keith rolled his eyes, crossing his arms before looking to find Lance in the crowd again. His bronze skin practically glowed with the bit of sweat the glistened on his neck, and his lips curved softly into a smile as he moved over to talk to a pretty blonde with bright blue eyes.

 _Typical_. Keith thought bitterly. “Well, it was nice to meet you, Allura.”

“My pleasure, we should talk again soon,”

“Definitely,” Keith gave her a small smile and nodded to his brother before slipping back through the crowd. On his way back to Lance, he bumped into someone who hit him _hard_.

“Watch it,” Keith bit out, looking up at the guy. Immediately, Keith’s heart rate sped up. He recognized this guy. Keith had known a lot of people in his High School from afar, he knew their names and never quite bothered to talk to most of them. But that guy, in that moment, Keith could feel the bruises he had come to consciousness with, and the broken nose and cracked rib they had given him.

The guy looked over, eyes narrowing on Keith in recognition. “ _You_ watch it, faggot.” Keith winced as the big guy kept walking, leaving Keith standing there, memories floating through his mind. He felt someone grab his shoulder lightly a moment later.

Keith winced, looking over to find Lance standing there, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“Are you okay? You look like you might be sick…” Lance said quietly.

Keith shook his head, a tremor running through him. “Yeah, um, I think I might need some air.”

Lance didn’t hesitate to pull him to the door, letting both of them out into the cool night air. Keith took a deep, shaky breath.

“What’s going on?” Lance asked, bumping his shoulder gently to get his attention.

“It’s… One of the guys in there, he went to my High School, and… Nevermind, it’s a long story.” Keith ran his fingers through his hair, pulling out the binder that kept his hair up, and letting it fall onto his neck.

“I’ve got time, Keith,” Lance said gently. “If you want to talk…”

Keith stared at the ground for a long moment, hesitating. “Could we go somewhere else?”

“Where?”

“Um, I think there’s a park bench along the path, we passed it on our way here--”

“I remember, let’s go.”

They walked together slowly, Keith catching his breath. The path was relatively close to the fraternity and it would be easy to get back if they wanted to. It was relatively dark, and when they found the bench, Keith was shivering.

Lance sat down next to him, casually draping an arm over Keith’s shoulders, sensing how cold Keith had become. He leaned against Lance thankfully, staring out into the dark. It was a clear night, and he could see the stars.

“What’s wrong?” The other boy didn’t hesitate to ask. Keith shivered.

“That guy I bumped into, well, in High School, I kind of was ‘going out’ with the quarterback on our football team, and his friends found out… They thought I was ‘making him gay’ or something stupid like that, and decided to corner me one night and they beat the shit out of me.” Keith laughed bitterly. “Sure, I fought back, but there was six of them, and one of me, so you can probably imagine how well that went for me.”

Lance nodded slowly, anger burning in his eyes. “What made them stop.”

“I had to promise to leave their friend alone, and we never really talked again, but every time I even looked at him for too long, one of those jackasses would send threats again and I eventually decided it wasn’t worth it anymore.”

“So the guy back there, he was one of them?” Lance asked.

Keith nodded. “I didn’t know he went here, I should have expected it, I’ve been in this same town for years, and it would make sense that they would go here if they wanted to stay local but--”

Lance just pulled him a bit closer into a hug. “Are you going to be okay?”

Keith wrapped his arms around Lance. “Yeah, I think so.” He rested his head gently against Lance’s shoulder while the other boy scooted closer to place a hand on Keith’s lower back. Keith knew his face was turning red as Lance held him, but he tried to keep his breathing even nonetheless.

It was silent for a few moments before Lance asked quietly. “Do you want to go back?”

Keith pulled away enough to search Lance’s eyes. “No, but if you want to go that’s fine, I might just walk back to our dorm--”

“No, no, I’ll stay with you,” Lance said quickly. “Honestly, Hunk is with Shay, and I tried to chat Nyma up but she _totally_ brushed me off!” Keith tried his hardest not to snort.

“Maybe she’s taken?”  
“That or she somehow resisted my charm.”

“You act like that’s hard.”

“Hey!” Lance pouted. “Why are you so mean to me?”

Keith laughed softly, letting his head drop against Lance’s shoulder again. “Someone has to keep your ego in check,”

“Honestly, that’s what I have Pidge for.”

“Well, they taught me _all_ of their tricks.”

“I’m terrified. Truly.” Lance said with a fatal amount of sarcasm. “We should continue our game.”

“What?”

“Our game of twenty-one questions, we never finished.”

“Oh,” Keith said, nodding, it wasn’t a bad idea at all. “Sure, I think it’s your turn?”

“Yeah? Okay… Let me think,” Lance rested his head against Keith’s, playing with the hem of his leather jacket distantly as he tried to think of a question. “What was your first kiss?”

Keith laughed. “To this girl named Jackie on the playground in elementary school. She was the only girl I have  _ever_ kissed, and it was pretty much awful."

“Nice, nice. Mine was to this girl that used to live down the street from me. Her name was… Shit, I don’t even remember.” Lance smiled sheepishly. “That’s probably really bad of me.”

Keith shrugged. “Not really,”

“Your turn, Mullet.”

He rolled his eyes, trying to think of a good question. “Do you have any tattoos or piercings?”

Lance was quiet for a long moment before nodding slowly and taking a deep shuddering breath. “No piercings, but I have a tattoo on my inner, left forearm.”

Keith perked up at that. “Can I see it?”

Lance nodded, pulling his jacket off and rolling up his sleep to reveal a small tattoo. It was a constellation of some sort with a date tattooed under it. Keith stared at it for a moment before looking at Lance for an explanation. The other boy was staring at it with his brows furrowed and lips pursed, it must have meant something serious if Lance was looking at it like that--Keith almost regretted asking about it.

“Ursa Minor?” Keith asked, taking in the small pattern.

“Yeah,” Lance said, his voice somewhat strangled. “My sister Maria used to love astronomy, she and I would always sneak out onto the roof and look out at the stars while she named off constellations…”

Keith listened intently, his heart sinking. “Used to?”

“Maria killed herself when she was fifteen.”

Lance was staring at the ground intently, tears shining in his eyes. Keith froze, he could only watch as those tears streamed down Lance’s face, unnoticed. “I-I’m sorry,” Keith managed to say, he could barely do it through the tightness in his own chest and the tremor that went through him. He looked back at the tattoo and the date. Two years ago it had happened.

Keith reached for Lance, catching him and pulling him close. They sat on that bench in silence, Lance sobbing into Keith’s shoulder uncontrollably until he managed to regain himself. Keith gripped him tightly, slipping his other hand cautiously through Lance’s hair, trying to comfort him.

“Sorry,” He said. Keith shook his head, resting a hand on Lance’s face.

“It’s okay,”

Lance sniffed, squeezing his eyes tight before making shaky eye contact with a weak laugh.

“So, do you have any tattoos with heartbreaking stories behind them?” Lance asked, his voice still raw.

“No, but I did have my ears pierced at one point,” Keith replied.

“You’re kidding me,”

“Nope,”

“Oh my god, you really were a complete emo, band freak.”

“Proudly,”

Lance laughed, and it was real this time, making Keith smile along with him. They fell silent after that, suddenly incredibly aware of how close they had become on the small bench. Keith swallowed tightly, he could easily lean in and graze Lance’s lips with his own if he wanted to. He thought about it, but decided against it. This guy was his _roommate_ , Keith wasn’t about to mess up and make things awkward.

He tried to ignore the fact that he was pretty much in Lance’s lap, that didn’t count.

“Life is pretty fucked up,” Lance sighed wistfully. Keith nodded along, utterly aware of Lance’s hands on his waist.

_Shit._

“Yeah,” Keith said breathily, untangling himself from Lance’s arms slowly. “I’m tired…”

“Do you want to go home?”

 _Home._ As if their little dorm room could be described as a home. Keith nodded slowly, standing up rather abruptly. Lance shivered from the sudden lack of warmth that Keith had provided as he got up. They walked in silence.

The party was long-forgotten as the silent darkness enveloped them, stars shining bright on a clear night. Keith looked up, trying to make sense of the stars that shined above them. He noticed that Lance kept his gaze fixed ahead, not bothering to look up, he had seen enough of the stars.

It wasn’t particularly late when the two boys made it back to their dorm, so after changing they elected to watch a movie on Keith’s laptop. Hunk texted Lance about halfway through asking where he had gone, which led to a phone call of Lance explaining that he had gotten bored and went home. Hunk sounded doubtful but accepted it without too much question.

Keith was still curled up in the corner of his bed, waiting for Lance to sit back down. Another thing he noticed was that Lance had to be moving almost all the time. Even when he was sitting on Keith’s bed, watching a movie, he was fiddling with something.

After about half of the movie, Lance groaned, flopping onto his back dramatically. “I’m tired.”

“Then go to bed,” Keith said flatly.

“I don’t want to,”

“Why?”

Lance went silent, giving Keith time to shut his laptop, setting it on the desk before leaning his back against the wall, looking down at Lance with a frown.

_I get dreams like that sometimes, about… well about someone who was really important to me. When I think about her too much, I have nightmares about not being able to save her,_

“Are you afraid you’ll dream of her?” Keith asked quietly.

Lance nodded slowly. “Yeah, and I don’t really want the night to end I guess.”

Keith stared at his hands for a moment before silently cursing himself as he flopped down next to Lance, curling in against the other boy’s side. “I’m here, if you… if you need me.”

He felt Lance shift a bit, tucking Keith under his chin in a tight hug.

“Thank you.”

~

The next few weeks passed in a similar manner. Keith went to classes, sat with Lance in their creative writing class, he invited Lance to spend time in his little corner of the library with him, and they continued to wake in the night only to find the other boy ready to pull them close and chase their worries away. It was nice, and even if Keith mentally hit himself every time he woke up tucked into Lance’s arms, he didn’t even try to change things.

They grew accustomed to each other and when Lance went home one weekend, it was strange for Keith to have the dorm to himself for once, something he usually would have enjoyed immensely. It was odd to wake up in the middle of the night with no one to go to, his bed smelling like the boy who danced through his thoughts in the early hours of the morning.

When Lance came back the next day, Keith realized just how much the other boy had begun to matter to him. He was in deep, falling slowly in love with his roommate.

 _I’m_ _such an idiot_. He thought, shouldering his book bag as he left the library one afternoon after his classes were finished and his studying session over.

He thought about Lance as he walked to the cafe, ordering a small coffee to wake him up a bit. He knew that Lance could very well be interested in him, but also if that was the case, then Keith felt like he would be able to tell. As far as Lance seemed to care, Keith was just a friend whom he had come to trust and confide in.

Nothing more, nothing less.

If that were true, then Keith knew he could back off, he could pretend that his pulse didn’t soar every time Lance leaned too close or smiled at him like he was the one who had put the moon in the sky, like a light in the darkness was something he had built for Lance.

Keith was pretty much knocked off his feet every time Lance looked at him like that, but for the sake of their friendship, Keith would figure out how to keep those emotions from clouding his vision. As long as he could stay close to Lance, he would be satisfied.

Once he had gotten his coffee, Keith walked back in the direction of the dorm. Lance had gotten out of classes by now, and if he was following his usual pattern, on a Tuesday he would be back in their room with Hunk, working on physics or history. As he walked, Keith thought about everything that had happened over the course of the past month. It was so much, too much even, and it was all so _good._ Keith smiled to himself, he was happy, truly, for the first time in a long while.

When he reached the dorm, Keith paused for a moment, he could hear voices coming from his room and stopped when he reached the door, his heart sinking a bit at how annoyed Lance sounded from within.

“Shut up, Hunk! There is no fucking way--”

“Calm down man, I’m not saying you’re in love, but there’s definitely something more going on between you two,”

Keith had his hand on the door handle but elected not to open the room as he leaned closer to hear what Lance was grumbling.

“God, I just made another friend, what’s new about that?”

“Lance, you spend every free minute with the guy--”

“So?”

“So I’m saying, you should examine your feelings, because you might end up hurting him if you can’t figure yourself out.”

“I don’t like _Keith_ ,” Lance huffed angrily. “How could I love someone like _him?_ ”

Keith felt something inside him collapse, his heart plummeting, and his eyes suddenly stinging with tears. He shouldn’t be listening to this, so why couldn’t he move away?

“He never answers his phone, he’s a loner, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him even try to talk to anyone else. If I want to talk to him, _I’m_ the one always reaching out. When I left over the weekend, he didn’t text or call _once._ ” Lance had gotten up and was pacing, Keith could tell by the way his voice was floating back and forth. “He’s pretty much the exact opposite of me, and just because I spend time with him doesn’t mean I _like_ him.”

It was silent in the room for a moment. Keith wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, and most of all he wanted to hurt something. God, he should just walk away now--

“It sounds like you’re hurt because you expect more of him.” Hunk said lowly. “Not like you don’t like him. Lance, it’s not healthy to bottle up your feelings--”

“Wow, thank you Hunk, I’m cured.” He shot back. Keith could hear Hunk’s exasperated sigh.

“We’re not going to get anywhere if you keep denying what you feel for--”

“ _I am not falling in love with him, goddammit!”_ Lance yelled, and that was it, Keith could practically hear part of him shatter, it was followed by an intense urge to just leave, run away, and let the emptiness that was coiling within him take over.

“And on top of that, Hunk, I will _never_ love him, so you and Pidge can stop playing this little game of telling me what I’m feeling when you don’t know _anything._ ” Lance bit out. Keith had heard enough, and so it seemed had Hunk.

“Fine,” Hunk said, sounding more sad than angry. “Well, you can tell _me_ when you pull the stick out of your ass,”

Knowing that it was over, that everything he had hoped for was gone, Keith opened the door. Both Hunk and Lance stared at him in shock, and Keith did his best to pretend he had heard nothing, keeping his features neutral.

“Sorry,” Keith said flatly. “Am I interrupting something?”

Lance and Hunk both scrambled to say something along the lines of “No,” And “Nothing at all,” Which made Keith’s anger flare even more. He nodded, walking to his desk and dropping his bag on it, barely bothering to conceal the force he had set it down with.

God, his feelings were out of control. He had kept telling himself not to fall in love with that idiot, that the feelings would never be the same, but every time Lance had pulled Keith closer or shared something as intimate as his pain, Keith’s hopes had grown.

And now, he knew that he was an idiot for hoping for anything at all. It hit him like a brick as a steady ache spread through his chest, his lungs tight, and his breathing quick. How was he to continue to breathe when the shattered pieces of his fragile heart were cutting so violently into his lungs? He shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up, he shouldn’t have believed Lance was anything more than his annoying roommate. The late nights together should have never happened, the nightmares and seeking each other out for warmth had been a mistake.

Everything they had gone through in the past month together ultimately meant nothing, some cruel joke the universe played on him every time he believed that someone could care about him.

God, it hurt.

It hurt so badly.

Keith took out his laptop, wincing as he set it down too roughly on the desk. He was vaguely aware of Hunk saying goodbye and the tension in the room growing, but he didn’t care. Keith dug his headphones out of his bag and slipped them over his ears, playing music as an excuse not to talk and to try and drown his chaotic thoughts. He did a rather exemplary job of keeping his eyes ahead, focusing on his screen rather than looking over at Lance, who hadn’t stopped fidgeting since Keith had walked in.

Eventually, Lance must have decided to leave because the door clicked softly as he left, leaving Keith alone in the empty dorm room, his insides tearing themselves apart.

Falling apart was easier when one was numb, but Keith could feel every second of it this time, his heart bleeding and his insides turning.

Maybe losing hope would be freedom in a way, maybe it was better that everything was happening this way.

Keith leaned back in his chair burying his face into his hands, trying to resist the urge to cry. God his eyes burned, and his throat felt like it was closing up.

 _What the fuck,_ He thought. _I trusted him, what the fuck is wrong with me?_

After that, it was impossible to control the sobs that wracked his body.

~

By the time Lance made it back to the dorm, Keith had reduced himself to a sniffling mess, wrapped up in a blanket, his face buried in a pillow that smelled vaguely of Lance. God, they had slept in the same bed _multiple_ times and Lance somehow had the _audacity_ to claim that he felt nothing for Keith.

It wasn’t the first time that Keith felt so unwanted, but it was still carving a hole in the center of his chest. That was his fear, being unwanted forever, he had felt that way for so long, and he had been given up on too many times, that feeling had gotten close to killing him in the past.

It damn well should have, he hated feeling so intensely worthless.

When he heard the door click open again, Keith groaned, rolling over to face the wall, keeping his back turned on Lance.

“Hey, have you eaten?” Lance asked when he walked in, he sounded a bit down, not his usual chipper self, but then again, Keith felt the same.

“No,” Keith mumbled into his pillow.

“Neither have I, I’m starving,” He said. “Get your ass up mullet, we’re going to get dinner.”

 _This hurts_.

“I’m not hungry,” Keith said.

 _God, this hurts so much_.

“You haven’t eaten for what, seven hours? C’mon, let’s go!” Lance whined.

Instead of pain this time, Keith felt a flame of anger dancing through him. This guy was such an idiot, he wasn’t even aware of what he had done, he was still acting the same as he had the night before and it pissed Keith off.

Then again, Lance wasn’t aware of how much Keith had overheard.

“Piss off,” Keith bit out. “Just go get dinner alone,”

“I don’t want to go alone!” The other boy grabbed Keith’s shoulder, trying to pull him up.

He knew he would regret it later, but Keith felt any patience and kindness for the other boy snap completely in that moment. He ripped his arm away, wincing at Lance’s touch. _“Don’t fucking touch me!”_ He yelled, anger burning in his eyes. Lance recoiled violently, eyes wide. Keith marveled at how easily he was able to see the emotion in Lance’s eyes, that boy had eyes that showed his soul, and there was such a betrayed pain in them Keith felt a twinge of bitter regret.

“S-sorry, I’m sorry,” Lance said, backing away. Keith almost apologized, he almost reached out to him,

_How could I love someone like him?_

“Why don’t you stop _acting like you give a shit about me_ and go get your fucking dinner Lance,” Keith bit out, putting as much venom into those words as he could before flopping onto the bed, turning his back to Lance once again.

A moment later, Keith heard their door open and shut again, leaving him alone.

_Shit._

What a fucking mess he had created for himself.

~

Lance didn’t come back to the dorm room that night, nor did he show up the next, or the next. Keith slept alone at night, a pillow gripped tightly to his chest, and when he woke up in a cold sweat, sobbing, there was no one to turn to, no one to help chase the pain away.

The day after Lance had left, Keith couldn’t convince himself to get out of bed, so he skipped the day of classes, wasting away in his own self-hate and pain. He barely made it up for his day of classes on Thursday. He had hardly slept the past two nights, and paying attention for the day was near impossible. At least he didn’t have creative writing that day, he would have to find somewhere else to sit in that class, he wasn’t ready to look Lance in the eye anytime soon.

He sat alone in physics, knowing that Lance was somewhere in the same classroom made him feel slightly sick, but he managed to endure. And by the time the day was over, he was ready to lay down again, pain gnawing at his chest, knowing he likely wouldn’t sleep much that night anyway.

When he did manage to doze off, it wasn’t long before he was interrupted by his phone ringing. Keith took a deep breath, it was only 10:30 after all, so he wasn’t surprised when Pidge’s number showed up on his screen.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes before answering with a muffled. “Hello?”

“Hey, what’s going on?” They said their voice concerned.

“What do you mean?” Keith asked.

Pidge paused for a moment. “Lance has been staying with Hunk for like three days now and you looked like shit in physics today. Are you sleeping enough? Also, are you eating?”

“Pidge, I’m fine,”

“You don’t sound fine, last time you looked this bad you ended up in the hospit--”

“I know, you don’t have to remind me.” Keith bit out. “I’m fine,”

“Yeah, that’s what you kept telling me in High School Keith, and then I almost lost you because of an ‘I’m fine Pidge’.” They snapped. “So stop bullshitting me and tell me what’s going on.”

Keith laid down with a groan, rubbing his temple tiredly. “Lance and I got into a fight because I was upset about something and snapped at him, my bad, now he won’t talk to me or come back to the dorm.”

"What were you upset about?”

Keith was silent, staring up at the ceiling with a frown. What did it really matter? He was upset because he found out the truth: Lance didn’t like him and never would return the feelings that Keith had steadily begun to feel for him. He had tried to tell himself not to get his hopes up, multiple times he had cursed himself for letting Lance draw him in until he fell.

“I overheard a conversation that Lance and Hunk were having, I shouldn’t have listened in, but it doesn’t really matter now because I did.” Keith had the overwhelming urge to hit his head against something. God, he felt like such a fool.

Pidge was silent for a long time. “If you need me, I’m always here for you Keith,”

“I know, thank you,”

They hung up after that, and Keith was left to himself to ponder what the hell he was supposed to do the next day when he saw Lance in class.

The anxiety gnawing at his stomach kept him from sleeping most of the night, instead he simply stared at the ceiling, a hurricane of thoughts drowning any sense of time he could grasp.

When he looked in the mirror the next morning, he suddenly knew what Pidge was talking about when they said he looked like shit. His hair was a mess, unkempt and unwashed, and there were dark half-circles under his tired eyes. He groaned, hitting himself mentally before pulling out a new stack of clothing and taking a hot shower, trying to burn the tiredness and dull ache away under the hot water. He let himself cry again, but once he shut the water off, Keith told himself that he was done with that, he needed to move forward or he might never move again.

Still, after his art class, when he made it to history, he felt his shoulders slumping, moving to find a seat near the front and avoiding the urge to look around and find Lance or even Hunk in the crowded lecture hall.

As he sat down, he caught a glimpse of bronze skin and chestnut hair coming through the door, followed by another, bigger figure. Keith froze staring straight ahead, begging himself not to look over.

Cursing his curiosity, he glanced over.

Lance looked like he was in far better shape than Keith, laughing quietly at something Hunk had said and bumping the other boy’s arm. Lance didn’t have bags under his eyes or look horribly disheveled, he looked like his normal self, bright eyes, perfect skin--

Lance looked over, catching Keith’s gaze for a brief moment before Keith looked away.

Something twisted in Keith’s stomach. He clenched his fists, praying no one would notice how badly he was shaking. He just had to make it through this class period, and then he could head back to the dorm and skip his creative writing class. He would be fine.

Yet, throughout the entire class, he didn’t feel fine. The orange haired professor who was rather eccentric and excited about history went on and on while Keith couldn’t help but zone out, thinking about the other boy, his skin, his hair, just everything about Lance had him cursing himself for letting his heart fall into the other boy’s delicate hands.

Keith practically sprinted from the lecture hall when the class was over, avoiding Lance at all costs was his first priority, and his second priority was to stop the shaking and panic that was flooding through his veins.

He made it to the bathrooms, slipping inside one of the stalls, locking it, and leaning against the wall. The ground swayed beneath him as Keith continued to stand. He couldn’t breathe, and god, the pounding in his heart was so loud and quick he was certain someone must have heard it.

The tears came not much later.

Keith rested his forehead against the cool wall, short breaths slipping erratically from him, and tears streaming down his face at an uncontrollable rate.

He didn’t know how long he stayed there, vision swimming and heart pounding, but eventually, he managed to catch his breath. Then gradually he pushed away from the wall, wiping his face with his sleeve.

Keith made his way out of the stall cautiously, making sure there was no one else around before he looked at his reflection.

God, he was a mess.

Keith left the bathroom quickly after that. He found himself outside, breathing in the cold air. It hadn’t even snowed yet, but he was sure that it would soon. There was a picnic table not too far from the building where his next class was, so Keith walked over and sat down, staring at the ground and trying to find balance within himself again. He could do this, he had to,  but there was so much running through his head at once he could barely see straight. God, if he kept losing his way like this how was he to ever know which way to go?  
“Keith?” An oddly familiar voice said, a rich accent floating on her words. Keith froze, looking up to find that woman that Shiro had been talking with all those weeks ago.

“Allura?” He said, the name sounding right, he just hoped he hadn’t fucked her name up as much as his life. She smiled widely, sitting on top of the table next to him. She really was gorgeous, and something about the way she smiled, it made Keith glad that she and Shiro had met, she would be good for him.

“What are you doing out here all alone?” She asked, looking around. “Shouldn’t you be having lunch with a friend, complaining about assignments like the rest of us?”

Keith laughed softly. “Currently, I seem to have a shortage of friends.”

“You and Lance McClain seemed to be getting along just fine a few weeks ago, what happened?” God, she was a perceptive one.

“He doesn’t give a shit about me,” Keith shrugged, staring straight ahead, hoping his bitterness didn’t show through his words. “We haven’t talked much recently.”

Allura smiled softly. “I don’t know how that could possibly be true when I’ve seen him staring at you like you put the stars in the sky, Keith.”

“I think he’s more interested in the stars than whoever put them there for him,” Keith muttered.

“Keith, just listen to me, Lance is a kind person, there is no way he doesn’t care about you, he cares about _everyone_ and he cares about them too much sometimes. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s been playing emotional whack-a-mole ever since his sister… passed.” Allura said. “He’s scared he might lose someone else important to him, he’s scared that they’ll leave him as broken as she did.”

“Well, the feeling is mutual,” Keith ground out, feeling his chest grow tight again. “I was terrified that he would leave, but I also expected it because everyone leaves, and why should he be any different than every other person who didn’t want me in their lives?”

“Keith…” Allura said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You have no say over who leaves and who stays, all you can do is try your best, and I can guarantee you if you give Lance another chance you won’t be disappointed.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because you’re afraid of being left with no one, and he won’t do that to you, Keith, I’m sure you’re very convincing when you scare people away to avoid the heartbreak, so bring him back,”

Keith hunched his shoulders, he knew she was right, but still… “I don’t know if Shiro told you about what happened in High School, but I am so sick of being treated like I’m worthless, and… I don’t want _him_ to make me feel that way again. I know I shouldn’t put my self-worth in other people’s hands, and because of that, I’ve been hurt more times than I can count, but I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to love myself, and I’m… I’m scared I’ll feel this way forever.”

“Keith, that’s the same fear the led you to, to try to take your own life a few years ago, Shiro told me about what happened, and that he practically had to make you move in with him after that because he and Pidge were terrified of losing you. You have people around you who love you a lot, Keith, you just have to be willing to let them love you, even if you’re scared of getting too attached. I would be scared as well.”

“I kinda hate myself, for making them worry so much, and just kind of in general I guess,” Keith said flatly, looking over at Allura.

“Me too,” She smiled half-heartedly. “I used to hate myself _so_ much in High School. I did some things that I’m not entirely proud of, and I still have many scars from looking down on myself like that. That’s why I want to be here for you, why I want you to figure this out.”

Keith stared at the ground, lips pursed. “So basically, I should go to my next class and talk to Lance.”

“Yes… I think that was my overall point… I’m not quite sure anymore.” Allura smiled fully this time, giving Keith a quick hug. Keith leaned in, hugging her back.

Maybe he could try to be a bit braver, his insecurities certainly wouldn’t just disappear, but for the sake of the present, he decided that maybe he could try.

“Thank you,” He said to Allura before standing, brushing himself off, and heading towards his next class. He could do this, he _would_ figure this out. No matter how much it hurt, he could do this. He had been falling in love with his roommate for a while now, and even if that made him a complete and utter idiot, he would confront those feelings--even if they would simply help him move on in the future.

~

Keith felt incredibly nervous as he made his way to the class, knowing that Lance could very well just refuse to sit next to him or make Keith find somewhere else to sit--or even if they sat together, Lance might just ignore him completely and never let Keith even apologize (even if Keith wasn’t entirely certain he was the only one that needed to apologize…)

When Keith was finally there, he took a deep, calming breath before walking into the room. He paused, looking around. He found the place where he and Lance usually sat, and he found that it was empty. Maybe Lance was running late? Whatever it was, Keith still moved to the spot, setting his bag down on Lance’s seat to save it for him.

Another few minutes passed with no hint at Lance showing up at all. Keith had expected to be ignored, denied, and pushed away, but he hadn’t entertained that possibility that Lance might just… not show up?

Keith groaned, hitting his head against his desk, ignoring the snickers he heard from the people closer to him. He sighed, turning his head to look out the window, propping his head on his hand with a small pout. He had been so goddamn ready, he had been talking himself up to this ever since his talk with Allura at lunch, and now… all of that motivation seemed to be in vain.

“Move your bag,” A voice said next to him. Keith winced, looking over slowly to find Lance standing there, lips pursed and arms crossed.

“Sorry,” Keith mumbled, moving his bag quickly. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

“Why wouldn’t I come? I’m not a skipper, unlike _someone_ I know.” Lance rolled his eyes, plopping down in the seat. Keith felt his chest tighten up again, and he looked away, his gaze slipping back to the window.

“You look like shit, by the way,” Lance said after a moment. Keith snorted, rubbing his eyes with a small yawn.

“You’re not the first person to tell me that, surprisingly,” Keith said. Before Lance could continue the conversation, the professor walked in and they were sucked into the class. It passed rather quickly, a few awkward glances were shared between the two boys, but by the end, Keith was feeling surprisingly calm.

“Seriously,” Lance started again, looking Keith over. “You look like you haven’t slept at all in the past few days.”

“Probably because I haven’t,” Keith responded flatly.

“Dude,”

“What?”

“That cannot be healthy,”

“Tell me about it.”  
Lance just shook his head in disbelief. “And here I was thinking you’d be sleeping like a baby without me distracting you.”

Keith frowned. “Oh. Well, I guess you thought wrong then.” He grabbed his bag, suddenly feeling irritated with Lance. God, he had felt like absolute _shit_ for the past few days because of the things he said and what Lance had said about him, how was he expected to sleep peacefully after that shitshow?

“Where are you going?” Lance asked as Keith started to move.

“Um, dorm, where else?” Keith said, trying not to sound too annoyed.

“Oh, right,” Lance said slowly. “I’m going to go back to Hunk’s…” Keith felt those words like a jab in between the ribs.

“Right.” He said tightly. _Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t--_

“Do you want to come with for awhile?”

_Oh._

“I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

Keith shrugged. “I haven’t slept in like two days, you’re pissed off at me, and I would really rather _not_ make everything uncomfortable by coming along.”

“I’m not really _that_ pissed off at you…” Lance frowned.

Keith nodded dramatically. “ _Right._ You just avoided the dorm room for most of this week because you were only _slightly_ pissed at me. Makes sense.”

“Oh my god Keith, you’re so fucking dramatic!” Lance growled. “Maybe you should think twice next time before _you_ get all pissy with _me_ first!”

“Yeah, well maybe you should think twice before opening your loud-ass mouth about how much you _don’t_ like me and how _you never will!”_ Keith hissed, pulling away from Lance and beginning to walk again. Lance froze, staring after Keith for a moment before catching up.

“You heard that?” He asked weakly.

Keith didn’t bother to respond. He just stared straight ahead and continued to move. He was so done, he didn’t even want to try anymore.

“Keith, wait, just listen to me for a minute,” Lance said, falling into step next to him. “I didn’t mean what I said, I didn’t mean any of it,”

“You sure convinced me,”

“Well, I’m sorry, okay? I really didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t mean for you to hear those things--”

“If you hadn’t then I would have never known how sorely mistaken I was about your feelings.” Keith snapped stopping to glare at Lance. “I’m glad I overheard you because now I know that I never had a chance. That I fell in love with an idiot who couldn’t see me on equal grounds because he was too stuck up in the notion that he could never love someone like me.”

Lance was frozen, a sad smile on his face. “Did you really fall in love Keith? We’ve only known each other for a little over a month, so I think you fell in love with an idea of who I was, not with me, not really.”

Keith really thought that Lance was done breaking his heart. He had thought that as soon as the words _I could never love someone like him_ , escaped his mouth. Keith really thought there was nothing left to break inside of him. Yet, there was a ringing in his ears as he stared at the other boy and he couldn’t help but feel like he was spiraling even further down than he had been before. He wanted to be angry, he wanted to be able to scream at Lance for being such a goddamn idiot, but, there was just nothing left but his tired, empty soul.

“You’re right,” Keith said weakly, he wouldn’t cry, there were no tears left anymore. “I guess I’m just an idiot who couldn’t stop daydreaming about an idea.”

“Keith--”

“Don’t.” He whispered. “Just stop trying to explain yourself, I get it, okay?”

“Fine,” Lance said, the finality of the word left Keith breaking as the world slipped through his fingertips as Lance walked away.

~

The weekend was pretty much hell on Earth. Keith hated to admit it, but he missed Lance, he missed everything they had and would give anything to have it back. Every night he tried to sleep he was awoken by nightmares, some had Lance in them now, and the other’s were vivid moments of a memory he was not familiar with.

It kept getting worse with every night, and Keith knew he should reach out, he should talk to someone about what was going on, but every time he woke up, drenched in his own sweat in tears, he wasn’t strong enough to reach for his phone. He found himself staring at the ceiling instead, trying to do something as simple as count sheep or think of a time when he was happy.

It became increasingly difficult to sleep for even an hour without the fear of being hit by dreams so intense and so real that he feared for what he might do.

He managed to deal with them well enough for awhile, and then it was Sunday night and he was facing the prospect of a day of art, history, and creative writing, and Keith knew he would see Lance, they probably would not talk, and the pain that he had spent his weekend burying and numbing would resurface, leaving him in a pile of broken pieces that he couldn’t fit back together. God, what was the point of even trying to put the pieces back together when he knew that the glue would never be strong enough and there would come a time where he would just fall apart again and again and again.

When Keith woke up that night, he knew something had changed, because it felt less and less like a dream every time and Keith could still hear a gunshot in his mind as he raced into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before he vomited.

_Mommy where’s daddy?_

_Shh honey, he’s back at the car, run into the woods and hide, we’ll come for you when it’s safe again, help is on its way, just stay out of sight._

Keith leaned over the toilet again as the memories came quicker, ones which he had locked away for so long, why did they have to come now? God, did he really deserve this punishment.

He remembered the car being hit and spinning into the nearby trees, he remembered blood running down his mother’s face as she pulled him out and ushered him away. They had all managed to survive the crash, his mom and dad had made it out of the car just fine. They were all scratched up and losing blood, but they were alive.

 _Who hit us?_ His mom had asked. There was another car not too far away, and then a few more as people had gotten out, one of them had a gun.

Keith knew that his parents had worked in some kind of science field for the government, everything they did was classified and Keith never quite learned what they did, only a glimpse of it when someone from their work had come to ask him questions that he wasn’t sure how to answer.

As a young boy, he watched from the bushes as that man asked his father questions, gun by his side and then _Bang!_

His parent’s deaths hadn’t been an accident. It had all been planned.

Keith leaned over the toilet, heaving. God, he was angry, he was scared, and he didn’t know what he was supposed to do with this information. The doctors would have very well known that his parents had been shot, but since he hadn’t been able to remember… it was better that they had lied to him.

_Remember, everything that we do is because we love you, baby, now run into the woods and don’t come out until mommy calls you, okay?_

Keith sobbed, his body shaking uncontrollably.

He had been loved by his parents, he was their entire world. Then they were gone. He had always thought of them as distant because of their jobs, which wasn’t a lie, but they were geniuses who tried their hardest to give him the love he deserved right up until they died.

Maybe one day Keith would find the strength to go find out what had happened to the case of his parent’s deaths if the man that shot them had been caught, and perhaps what they were killed for. For now, he leaned against the shower door and cried. It was so much, it was too much to handle alone.

He didn’t know how long he leaned against the shower before he managed to get up and find his phone. He flopped into his bed, staring at the bright screen with bleary eyes. He found Lance’s contact, staring at it for a long time before sighing and dropping his phone against his chest. Why should Lance even care now? He was probably sound asleep,

A moment later his phone buzzed once.

Lance’s number had appeared on the screen along with a text.

_(3:35 A.M) Hey. U awake?_

Keith stared at it for a moment, not sure if he wanted to respond or not. Yet, he had been the one just about to call if he could find the courage to.

(3:36 A.M) Yeah, why?

It only took a few seconds for a response to come.

_(3:36 A.M) Can’t sleep, do you want to meet somewhere?_

(3:37 A.M) Lance, it’s 3 am, if you want to talk you should have just stayed in the dorm.

_(3:38 A.M) ;(_

(3:38 A.M) There’s a picnic table outside our dorm building, even though meeting up at 3 am sounds super serial killer-ish, I’ll be there.

_(3:40 A.M) :D_

Keith sighed. Standing up and grabbing his jacket he didn’t bother changing out of his pajama pants before slipping out of the room. He still felt gross from waking up from his nightmare and vomiting, but he managed to stay on his feet as he washed his face and brushed his teeth again to get the taste out of his mouth.

By the time he slipped out of the dorm and made it down to the picnic table outside, Lance was already waiting there for him, looking slightly winded, like he had run.

“Hey,” He said, his voice a bit weak, and his hair unkempt. Keith nodded in greeting, he felt surprisingly calm as he sat down next to Lance, looking up at the bright stars. Besides his hands shaking a bit, and it being colder than Keith had expected, he was comfortable. Lance looked at him expectantly for a moment before realizing that it wasn’t going to be Keith who held the conversation, he had only come there because Lance had asked.

“So, why aren’t you asleep right now?” Lance asked. Keith closed his eyes, taking a breath.

“Nightmare.”

“Oh, was it bad?”

Keith snorted. If only he knew. “Yep.”

“Are you okay?”

“I will be.”

“Okay.”

They both fell silent, the night consuming the words left unsaid between them. Keith felt himself drifting, he was tired, and still a bit shaken up from his dream. He didn’t say it, but he missed the nights that Lance would wake up when Keith did and instead of leaving him to suffer alone, he had been there to hold Keith, to help him calm down with gentle words and touches.

It was something he had grown to love, and knowing that Lance doubted the feeling’s that Keith had developed for him only brought him pain every time he thought about something he had grown to fall in love with.

“Have they been getting better at all?” Lance asked softly. Keith shook his head.

“Worse, actually.”

“Do you think you should talk to someone about them?”

He shrugged. “Not really, I’ve talked to people before, and it hasn’t helped too much.”

“Oh, alright.”

Keith nodded slowly. God, this was a lot more awkward than he hoped it would be. “So why did you want to see me?” Keith finally asked. Lance shrugged, staring at the ground.

“I kinda missed you I guess,”

“Oh…” Keith felt his heart beating a bit quicker. “Same.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s hard not to miss someone you spent so much time with,” Keith said a bit too sharply, Lance winced.

“Right.”

“Is there something you wanted to say? Because I’m exhausted and I have a class at nine tomorrow, so if there’s something you _specifically_ came here for--”

Lance grabbed Keith’s shoulder and set a gentle finger on his lips. “I wanted to apologize, for everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yeah, for hurting you so many times, for bringing you so close when even when I thought I couldn’t return your affection, and for ruining our friendship.” Lance shook, Keith didn’t know whether it was from the cold or his own nervousness, but he was trembling. “I am so sorry,”

Keith felt tears blur his vision before he could stop them. And Lance’s eyes widened as they escaped, slipping down his face rapidly. “Shit, s-sorry…”

“Keith…”

“I’m sorry, just, I didn’t want this to happen, I didn’t want to let you so close, I didn’t _want_ to let you close enough to hurt me!” Keith buried his face into his hands as he continued to cry. “I was terrified that you would leave, that you wouldn’t feel the same, and now… it just feels like everything I was scared of is coming true and I don’t know how to handle it, and I’m sorry. God, I hate myself.”

Lance’s grip on his shoulder tightened. “Hey, buddy, look at me.”

Keith looked up to find Lance’s gray-blue eyes on his. He pulled Keith close into a tight hug. He knew it was supposed to be comforting, but it managed to pull Keith apart even more. He sobbed into Lance’s shoulder, savoring those moments where Lance slipped an arm around his waist and the other around his shoulders.

He knew this was likely the closest they would be for the remainder of whatever friendship they had left. “I know you don’t think so,” Keith started weakly. “But I didn’t just fall in love with an idea, and it might sound childish, but I _know_ that I didn’t just like the idea of you--”

“I know,” Lance whispered against him.

“Then--”

“Everything I told Hunk was a lie, okay? I didn’t mean any of those things, in fact, I think I meant the exact opposite… I just, I don’t know how to show you, and I’m afraid that I don’t know my own emotions. I have _no clue_ how to express all of the emotional turmoil I have going on and I’m scared that I’ll get this wrong and hurt you _again_ . It was easier to say that I felt nothing for you rather than try to figure out what I _do_ feel for you.” Lance’s finger’s dug into Keith’s back, pressing him closer. “I was scared to tell you how I felt, even when you admitted it to me, I just… I couldn’t say anything…”

Keith raised his head, trying to find Lance’s eyes. The other boy wouldn’t look him in the eye, god, he still ached for the other boy’s closeness. “Lance…”

“Yeah?”

“If it’s any consolation, I still--I still like you, a lot, and if you ever thought that maybe you liked me too… I would be here, and I would still want you…” He knew his face had to be extremely red, and he buried it against Lance’s collar so the other boy wouldn’t see.

“Are you trying to tell me that I still have a chance?”

“Yep.”

Their eyes met, Keith smiled shyly as he made out the deep blush that Lance had developed. He was so close, god, Keith wanted to kiss him. “Um, Lance…”

“Mhm?”

“Are we okay then?”

“I think so.”

“Good,” Keith knew he was staring at Lance’s lips, he couldn’t help it. Even if he was still a bit hurt and kind of wanted to sock Lance in the head for being an idiot, Keith really wanted their closeness to stay, and to grow even. Lance took a shaky breath.

“So, can I?” Lance asked. Keith nodded.

Their lips brushed for a brief moment before Lance pulled back and Keith let out a disappointed sigh. Lance leaned back in their noses bumped and Keith was about to laugh but he stopped, seeing how focused and nervous Lance looked. He slipped a hand into Keith’s messy hair and gently tugged him forward so their lips met. It was slow, sweet, and absolutely perfect. Keith moved his hands into Lance’s hair and when they broke apart it was only a brief moment before Keith pulled him back again, pressing him as close as he could, deepening the kiss.

When they finally pulled away again, Keith met Lance’s eyes and just pulled him into an even tighter hug, nuzzling against his neck as he smiled.

Lance’s hands had ended up on his hips and they slipped under the hem of his shirt, cold fingers brushing hot skin. Keith tensed up a bit at that.

‘Your hands are freezing!” Keith hissed. A devilish grin grew on Lance’s face, and before Keith could stop him, he slipped his hands up Keith’s shirt completely, making him yelp. “No, no, no, no, god, Lance!” He laughed pulling away.

Lance was grinning, as he caught Keith around the waist, pulling him close and pressing his lips gently against Keith’s neck before tugging him towards the door that led into the dorm building.

“C’mon, mullet, I’m exhausted and cold.”

Keith smiled catching Lance’s hand as they walked into the dorms together.

The rest of the morning passed quickly in Lance’s arms and Keith’s alarm was blaring not much later. They both were too exhausted to pull themselves out of bed and elected to skip the day of classes, they could catch up later.

For now, they were there together, alone in their dorm, tangled close to each other. Keith nuzzled Lance close as they decided to stay in bed for the rest of the day, talking, kissing, and watching movies.  

They had each other, and in the end, that was all they had ever really needed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Phew! I am not okay, I cried while writing this and basically it feels like I just dumped a shit-ton of emotions into a word document and called it a story. ヘ(´－｀;)ヘ
> 
> If you enjoyed the mess you just read, I write a lot of VLD fic, so check out my other works if you want more *nudge* *nudge* 
> 
> Also if you wanna hang out w/me @siruniwhale.tumblr.com is the place to be (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞


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